Hour Rights

Every year, I have to arbitrarily change my clocks twice.

In the Fall, we set them back an hour. Everyone agrees that this is a pleasant experience. We get an extra hour to sleep, spend time with our friends, cook sixty servings of minute rice, get our oil changed six times, or just waste it like we waste away every other hour of our essentially meaningless lives.

In the Spring, we set them forward an hour in a ritual we can all agree makes for the worst day of the year like some kind of bizarro-holiday. All of a sudden, an hour of our lives is stripped from us. We are quite literally time-raped, which is an albeit less traumatizing but equally unfair form of rape. Or one could argue that, anyway.

It is what they call "Daylight Savings Time" - a name so misleading and erroneous that it would seem to be some kind of sick joke. Daylight cannot be bought nor sold and thus certainly not saved. Regardless of what the clocks on our walls say, time continues to slip away at a constant rate in accordance with the laws of relativity which will not be discussed here. The earth will continue to rotate at a relatively constant rate, allowing us to experience a certain amount of daylight in accordance with our latitude and time of year. We are sadly unable to alter the amount of sunlight we experience.

So, why are we being forcibly stripped of our God-given right to 24 hour days?

Answer: Farmers. This is what we have all been told. Something about farmers.

Let me then ask another rhetorical question: Why does a farmer give a rat's ass what time it is? You are a fucking farmer. Wake up when the sun rises. You have a rooster for that. It's a pretty great setup, really. The sun comes over the horizon and a bird starts wailing away with an obnoxious croon. No snooze button. Just get the fuck up. It's time. Then, you go to bed after it gets dark. No need for a bird there. You should be able to tell when it gets dark by using your eyes to see light beams, or a lack thereof as the case may be.

So, what else is on the farmer's schedule aside from waking up and going to bed? Does he have an urgent 10:30 meeting with the cows? Is the corn going to die unless it's harvested by 5:00? No. The answer is no. Corn does not know what time it is.

Has no idea what time it is

Let's just leave the clocks alone, eh?

In the land of the blinds, drapes are king.

How can humans as a species exist with windows for so many years yet nobody has perfected the window blind. The blind in theory has 3 purposes:
1. Style
2. Privacy
3. Blocking out the fucking sun

It somehow manages to fail at every one of these tests, but we all just go with it. You know who invented venetian blinds? Venetians: a group of people that decided to live in a city that is literally sinking into the Mediterranean Sea as you read this. They are not known for their good ideas. Marco Polo was from Venice and is also a pretty great game for pool parties, so we'll give them that, but we're kind of grasping at straws here when it comes to Venetian ingenuity.

Style: the blinds' first and weakest purpose. It fails miserably. It is clunky, white, and still has a long stick you twist and a fucking draw string. Seriously, what nowadays has a draw string? How have 90% of the people with windows allowed drawstrings into their home. THROW SOME COMPUTER CHIPS IN THAT BITCH. I want it automatic. I want it to adjust itself based on light levels. Maybe even rattle at the punchline of my jokes.

Privacy: The blind fills this goal as long as nobody walks up close to it and changes their vantage point ever so slightly. Mission accomplished.

Sun Blockage: On most days I get along with my blinds just fine. They don't really piss me off until I want to take a nice nap on my couch and the room is a little too bright. When I notice the blinds are up I feel a surge of joy as I realize my nap is going to totally kick ass once I put the blinds down. I drop them and lay on the couch only to have my retinas burned by the vengeful wraith of the sun. Somehow, no matter how I angle the blinds, position the couch, or sacrifice live goats to the lizard king, the stupid sun shines all over my stupid face. It defies physics.

I propose a solution: Mandatory drapes. Think about it. Have you ever had trouble getting drapes to close all the way? Have you ever had the sun shine in your eyes through an opaque piece of fabric? No. You close them by bringing the two drapes together using your hands like the good lord intended. then you get to look at the great design on the drapes that you picked out! You can change them whenever you want, too! Let's sort this out:

Fall? Leaf print. Done.


Winter? Can I get some fucking reindeer on my goddamn windows? YES.


Spring and Summer? You are gonna want to get some floral prints on that bitch and let that shit flow in the breeze with a tasty pie on the window sill. It'll be quaint as fuck.

yeah, quaint as fuck.