Productivity.

Studying without stimulants is like fucking without a boner. You can cram it in all you want, but its just going to fall right back out. Everyone who has made it through college can tell you the wonders of energy drinks, coffee, or mountain dew.

These delicious caffeinated treats can be a great pick me up in the morning as well as after a long day. They help keep you focused with the added benefit of keeping you regular.

But what does your choice of study aid say about you?

Soda: You are on board with caffeine but you are a pussy who can't handle the bitter, tooth-staining, blast of invigoration that coffee provides. You are going to put in a half hour of work while chatting online and updating your myspace page. You still use myspace.

Diet Soda: You are fat.

Coffee: You are a man's man. A working stiff. A Joe Six-pack. You have work to do and you plan on spending today doing it. Your scrotum itches and you don't care who sees you scratch it. You know the score of last night's Mets game. You crush beer cans on your head and then do not recycle them.

Coffee with cream: You eat mild salsa, you wear ear plugs to concerts, you use protection, you are a pussy.

Energy drinks: You aren't going to stop studying until you pass out at 8 am or die of heart complications. You have never had a tan. You have a double digit number of friends only if you count people you know online. You know what Minecraft is. You found out your IQ is 135 from a test you took online and you tell people about it.

Caffeine pills: You hate wasting even the few seconds of time it takes to drink a beverage as you work. You have pounded a beer in the shower. You brush your teeth while you poop. You have masturbated while operating a motor vehicle.

Adderal: Your mother is overprotective. You were an asshole as a child because your mother was so overprotective. Your overprotective mom took you to a doctor and made him prescribe unnecessary medication for you. You are still an asshole.

Tea: This goes without saying. You are Asian.

Crystal meth:  You have blogged until your fingers bled.

Hour Rights

Every year, I have to arbitrarily change my clocks twice.

In the Fall, we set them back an hour. Everyone agrees that this is a pleasant experience. We get an extra hour to sleep, spend time with our friends, cook sixty servings of minute rice, get our oil changed six times, or just waste it like we waste away every other hour of our essentially meaningless lives.

In the Spring, we set them forward an hour in a ritual we can all agree makes for the worst day of the year like some kind of bizarro-holiday. All of a sudden, an hour of our lives is stripped from us. We are quite literally time-raped, which is an albeit less traumatizing but equally unfair form of rape. Or one could argue that, anyway.

It is what they call "Daylight Savings Time" - a name so misleading and erroneous that it would seem to be some kind of sick joke. Daylight cannot be bought nor sold and thus certainly not saved. Regardless of what the clocks on our walls say, time continues to slip away at a constant rate in accordance with the laws of relativity which will not be discussed here. The earth will continue to rotate at a relatively constant rate, allowing us to experience a certain amount of daylight in accordance with our latitude and time of year. We are sadly unable to alter the amount of sunlight we experience.

So, why are we being forcibly stripped of our God-given right to 24 hour days?

Answer: Farmers. This is what we have all been told. Something about farmers.

Let me then ask another rhetorical question: Why does a farmer give a rat's ass what time it is? You are a fucking farmer. Wake up when the sun rises. You have a rooster for that. It's a pretty great setup, really. The sun comes over the horizon and a bird starts wailing away with an obnoxious croon. No snooze button. Just get the fuck up. It's time. Then, you go to bed after it gets dark. No need for a bird there. You should be able to tell when it gets dark by using your eyes to see light beams, or a lack thereof as the case may be.

So, what else is on the farmer's schedule aside from waking up and going to bed? Does he have an urgent 10:30 meeting with the cows? Is the corn going to die unless it's harvested by 5:00? No. The answer is no. Corn does not know what time it is.

Has no idea what time it is

Let's just leave the clocks alone, eh?

In the land of the blinds, drapes are king.

How can humans as a species exist with windows for so many years yet nobody has perfected the window blind. The blind in theory has 3 purposes:
1. Style
2. Privacy
3. Blocking out the fucking sun

It somehow manages to fail at every one of these tests, but we all just go with it. You know who invented venetian blinds? Venetians: a group of people that decided to live in a city that is literally sinking into the Mediterranean Sea as you read this. They are not known for their good ideas. Marco Polo was from Venice and is also a pretty great game for pool parties, so we'll give them that, but we're kind of grasping at straws here when it comes to Venetian ingenuity.

Style: the blinds' first and weakest purpose. It fails miserably. It is clunky, white, and still has a long stick you twist and a fucking draw string. Seriously, what nowadays has a draw string? How have 90% of the people with windows allowed drawstrings into their home. THROW SOME COMPUTER CHIPS IN THAT BITCH. I want it automatic. I want it to adjust itself based on light levels. Maybe even rattle at the punchline of my jokes.

Privacy: The blind fills this goal as long as nobody walks up close to it and changes their vantage point ever so slightly. Mission accomplished.

Sun Blockage: On most days I get along with my blinds just fine. They don't really piss me off until I want to take a nice nap on my couch and the room is a little too bright. When I notice the blinds are up I feel a surge of joy as I realize my nap is going to totally kick ass once I put the blinds down. I drop them and lay on the couch only to have my retinas burned by the vengeful wraith of the sun. Somehow, no matter how I angle the blinds, position the couch, or sacrifice live goats to the lizard king, the stupid sun shines all over my stupid face. It defies physics.

I propose a solution: Mandatory drapes. Think about it. Have you ever had trouble getting drapes to close all the way? Have you ever had the sun shine in your eyes through an opaque piece of fabric? No. You close them by bringing the two drapes together using your hands like the good lord intended. then you get to look at the great design on the drapes that you picked out! You can change them whenever you want, too! Let's sort this out:

Fall? Leaf print. Done.


Winter? Can I get some fucking reindeer on my goddamn windows? YES.


Spring and Summer? You are gonna want to get some floral prints on that bitch and let that shit flow in the breeze with a tasty pie on the window sill. It'll be quaint as fuck.

yeah, quaint as fuck.

Eating Healthy

The old saying "you are what you eat" is true. You are the net result of what you put into your body. Vegetables are healthy, they grow in soil and for the most part aren't polluted by man. Meat is the exact opposite. Farmers take a happy baby animal that still doesn't understand the world and subject it to a terrible environment forcing it to mature, grow, and basically just increase its mass to maximize profits.
This is disgusting. These fully "matured" animals acquire increased fat, cholesterol, and every terrible thing the farmer gives or feeds them. If you think the meat you eat isn't passing along all the hormones the farmer pumped it full of to you, you're a fool! This raises the question: Is it possible to eat meat in a healthy and ethical way? After much careful debate I have had a ground breaking epiphany. Don't eat these abominations that farmers keep locked up in pens for years upon years while practically shoveling toxic waste into their bodies! Eat healthy meat. Meat that is free of hormones, toxins, excess cholesterol, and who knows what else!
But how?
Easy.
Eat the meat before it undergoes its terrible transformation.
Eat baby animals!

I know what your thinking: This is the greatest idea you have ever heard. I know it sounds amazing in theory, but it only gets better after looking at the facts!

FACTS:
1. Deliciousness: Baby animals haven't matured enough to get that stringy gamey muscle that is so common to most meats. Baby animals instead have a delicious tender meat that can be cut with a dull spoon.

                                                "Even I know I'm tender"



2. Toxin Free: Certain species of fish are bad to eat because they contain high levels of mercury. How do they acquire these high levels? They eat smaller fish that all have a small amount of mercury that they acquired from the environment. After eating enough of these small fish the level of mercury builds up, and you are left with a fish with a dangerous level of toxic substance.
     This is also true for animals, when farmers feed their livestock they are feeding them unclean food that is riddled with toxins. Not to mention farmers are pumping their livestock with hormones for growth and antibiotics to keep these sickly creatures alive long enough for them to get fat.
     When you eat a baby animal, their supple bodies have almost none of these toxins thanks to the magic placenta keeping them out of harms way.

3. Evolution: If I told you to outrun a deer, could you? Many of the animals that we eat are naturally faster than we humans have ever been.  How then did humans acquire meat before evolving weaponry? Easy. They preyed on the baby animals. A full grown bull could easily kill me, however I can knock out a  new born calf with one spinning roundhouse kick. Our digestive systems were built around us eating what we could manage. We hunted and gathered whatever we could. Logic tells us that the best foods had a combination of being easy to acquire as well as having maximum nutrients. Therefore it makes sense that our digestive systems evolved to handle baby animal meat.

                            

4. Ethics: A full grown pig has a greater mental capacity than your average dog. It has a loose understanding of its miserable situation and is able to comprehend its feelings of confusion and fear. A baby animal does not have these abilities. A large open field is a scary dangerous place to a baby animal who much prefers the cozy protection of a small cage.